Quick quiz: what did your mum want to be when she was seventeen? What’s the biggest risk your dad ever took? What’s a story from before you existed that would completely change how you see them?
If you’re drawing blanks, you’re not a bad son or daughter. You’re just running the default script: love them enormously, ask them nothing. “How was your week?” on repeat until the end of time.
Why do we leave the big questions so late?
Because we assume there’s always more time. The big questions can wait until Christmas, until things slow down, until some imaginary right moment. And then one day they can’t be asked at all.
Here’s the good news hiding inside that grim thought: most parents are dying to be asked. Nobody’s asked them a real question about themselves in years. They just need a better prompt than “how was your day?”
Every question you don’t ask is a story you don’t get to keep.
When my dad died suddenly, I realised how much I didn’t know but wished I did. We’d had a million great chats, just never the ones I’d give anything to have now. That’s literally why Good Chat exists.Ness, founder of Good Chat
How do you get parents to actually open up?
- Ask for moments, not summaries. “What’s a time you got in real trouble as a kid?” beats “what was your childhood like?” every time. Specific prompts unlock specific memories, and specific memories are where the gold is.
- Ask what they’re proud of. “What’s something you did that you wish more people knew about?” Prepare for a story you cannot believe you’ve never heard.
- Ask about you. “What surprised you most about becoming a parent?” opens a door for both of you, and possibly a gentle roast.
What’s a time you got in real trouble as a kid?
What happens when you finally ask?
One quiet afternoon you ask your mum the trouble question. She laughs, goes quiet for a second, then tells you about the night she snuck out to see a band in 1979. You’ve known this woman your entire life and you have never heard this story. An hour disappears.
You walk away knowing her as a person, not just a parent. And you’ll wish you’d hit record, so honestly: hit record.
Bought the Death and Mates deck for my dad for Christmas. He is not a sentimental person but he called me after using them and we had the best conversation we have had in years.Phoebe, in a five-star review
The stories are all still there, waiting. All you have to do is ask for them while asking is still an option. No pressure, but also: some pressure.
